I’m a 32 year old woman, wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister and auntie. But not a mum. I try not to let that define me. But it’s always there, at the back of my mind (often at the front) and feeling like a hole in my heart.
Oh dear. Now I’m sat on a plane, writing my first ever blog post and fighting the tears. Looking even more crazy than I feel.
But that’s what it does to you. I can be taking on the world, running my own business; getting myself fit and strong; looking after Andy and our fur babies; and today – travelling on my own like the strong, independent and determined woman I was raised to be. And before I know it I’m getting all weepy. Set off by the smallest of things.
I’ve always had this feeling, from as young as 13/14 that having children wasn’t going to be easy for me. I had no reason to think that, but I still did. Whether that has now turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy I guess we’ll never know.
Andy and I were handed the “diagnosis” of ‘unexplained infertility’ after about two years of trying and a load of tests. Basically they can’t find any reason why we’re not popping out babies left, right and centre. This is, I feel (and others in different situations may well disagree) the most difficult form of infertility. No answers, no treatment plan and so initially you’re fobbed off with “keep trying, it’ll happen” and my personal favourite “just relax”. You try relaxing about something so integral to the vision you had for your life. Not so easy is it.
So we waited to get to the required 3 years of trying before our local CCG would agree to fund any form of assisted reproduction. But before we got there, all funding in our area was pulled.
Being the highly impatient people we are, we decided to go ahead and pay privately for treatment. Cue – first round of IVF -Feb 2016. Complete joy at the first positive line I have ever seen on a pee stick, turned to devastation 6 weeks later when I lost our twins.
Since then we have had a second go at IVF, but this time my regular pregnancy test result appeared.
So that’s where we are now.
I don’t want this to be a blog to just talk about infertility and IVF etc, but more about our lives as we continue on this journey towards parenthood. Because I believe that’s key to surviving this, individually and as a couple. We have to keep living, moving forwards, enjoying our lives and not hanging around and waiting for the day it happens.
So here I am. Sat on a plane to Lisbon for a short break with Andy who’s been working there this week. I’m looking forward to seeing him again (it’s only been 3 days but that’s a while for us!) and enjoying some sunshine, cocktails, a massage and runny eggs for breakfast. Now I couldn’t do all that if I was cooking a baby!