Tough week

So it’s been a tough start to the week, losing our little kitten has really had an impact on me. I worry writing this as I know Heidi will read it and don’t want to upset her anymore than I know she already is.

Cats have always been a big part of my adult life, losing my 10 year old Ollie last year just 3 months after the miscarriage was incredibly painful and something I never thought I would get over. While I still miss him every day the new kittens had helped fill a void.

I know cats are not like children, I’m not an idiot, but to us, they are our family, so you love them whole heartedly.

With the failed ivf earlier in the year, and now this, I am really struggling to hold it together.

I never really mourned the miscarriages last year, in no way was this Heidis fault, but the man in me felt I had to be strong for her, so I just bottled it up. I did the same with Ollie, the same earlier this year and now I’m at breaking point.

Bottling up my feelings is something I have always done, and I know it’s not healthy, so I do my best to let it out when ever I can, usually when I am alone as I am too damn proud. The problem I have at the moment is I have no me time, I’m either at work, in the gym or at home.

This is something I need to deal with, I worry that if I don’t it will all come out st once, and that’s no good 

I’m not writing this for impact, or for pitty, but just typing the words helps me deal, so it’s therapy in its own way.

I have a wonderful wife who loves me so much, I just want to make sure I am the best person for her, and sometimes I do wonder if she would better off without me .. but I guess in the tough times, this is a natural feeling !

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