So it’s Friday morning and we have come to the end of our family holiday. It’s been nice to spend extra time with my family who we don’t see as often as maybe we should. I certainly feel like I’ve bonded more with my nieces and nephews for spending a prolonged period together.
I always use holiday time to slow down and reflect on where we are, what has happened recently and how I / we move forward. Andy and I have had some great chats this week about how we’re feeling regarding working towards building a little family for ourselves.
We’ve got an appointment at our fertility clinic in less than 2 weeks to discuss their thoughts on our last cycle and what they would suggest we do next. I’m also having some blood tests to see if that helps shed some light on my much lower response to the stimulation drugs last time compared to our first attempt.
For me this meeting is crucial. I have a lot of questions and need some honest answers, but who knows if you’re gonna get that from a clinic who want you to carry on with your treatment and pay megabucks for the privilege! I’m doubtful.
I think I’ve had enough. Of tests and procedures; of injecting myself; of hating my body for not behaving the way I think it should; of feeling like a statistic in the infertility game and most of all I’m tired of the waiting and the watching and the disappointment.
But the hard bit is the making that definite decision. The “I’m 100% never going to carry a baby” decision. I’d prefer if it was made for me. But that’s not reality. Whilst most of me is ok with that (I’d be rubbish at pregnancy and labour anyway – impatient and a low pain threshold can’t be a good combination for this) there will always be a small part of me that has that biological urge which I guess is natural for most women.
Then I remind myself that whilst yes producing a baby is an amazing thing, most people can do it. It takes no special talent or skill. In many cases it happens by accident.
Most people couldn’t give a loving, secure, supportive home to a little person that needs it more than anything. I think we could. And I think that’s more amazing.