What Have I Become?

I’m feeling pretty miserable today.

I’m not sure why. But I’m struggling to even muster a smile.

I realised whilst doing the banking and food shopping this afternoon, that I feel like this a lot these days.

I never used to be like this. Ok, I wasn’t all smiles and joy all the time (is anyone, really?), but I was happy way more than I was unhappy.

I have had friends who always seemed to be on a downer and I always wondered what their problem was. I never understood how someone can be down so much.

It hit me whilst forcing bags of food shopping into my Mini, that infertility has done this to me. It’s changed me in ways I haven’t even realised, without warning.

I think that trying to understand how it has affected me may help me to stop it changing me any further. Maybe it will even help someone else going through the same thing. So here goes:

  1. I have less faith in the world
    I definitely feel that I have less faith in ‘everything will be ok’. I used to try to look on the bright side, but now I seem to have a more pessimistic view on things. I used to like the saying ‘everything will be alright in the end, if it’s not alright, it’s not the end’. Now I find it irritating.
  2. I expect bad stuff to happen
    Every day when Andy goes off to work, I worry that he won’t come back. If I haven’t heard from him I presume he’s been involved in a horrific car crash.
    Every time one of the cats doesn’t instantly appear when called I think they must be lying dead on the road.
    The constant worrying is getting exhausting.
  3. I can’t do nothing
    No longer can I just spend time chilling out. My mind needs to be occupied by something to prevent it wandering into areas that I know will make me sad, or mad. I’m either pottering in the house, or flicking pointlessly through my phone. I can’t just sit and do nothing. Even watching TV, unless I’m really engrossed in something, usually allows my mind to wander too far.
  4. The smallest things knock me over the edge
    It really doesn’t take much nowadays for my mood to go from good to ‘crazy old hag’. Something as relatively small as a client not turning up, or Andy being later home than expected can rapidly change my mood.
  5. I put on a front
    To everybody (except Andy – 90% of the time). Even good friends who know about our situation and want to lend a sympathetic ear. I find myself giving them the latest update with a smile to suggest it’s all ok. Even when telling my oldest friends about the miscarriage (a couple of months later), I smiled and laughed my way through it. They must have thought I was mad. That, or they saw through my shield of smiles and realised that if I don’t smile I’ll fall apart. And I’m not doing that.
  6. I’m angry at my body
    Why isn’t it doing what it should? Why at the grand old age of 33 have I got acne worse than I ever had as a teenager? And dermatitis on my face of all places! Why can I not have a regular monthly cycle, ovulate every month and produce a damn egg good enough to make a viable baby! Before all of this my only body issues were slightly smaller boobs than I’d like and a butt that wobbled a bit more than it ought. Oh and sweaty pits.

I’m sure more ways I have changed will come to mind as soon as I post this, but these are the most glaringly obvious.

Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow.

H

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