This is probably one of the harder posts for me to write. Recently Heidi wrote about being content, finding a level of acceptance over where we are in the journey for family and being excited about the next step for us, that of adoption.
While I do agree I am excited about adoption, not the process which I am sure will be incredibly stressful, tiring and at times painful, but that it will mean we will be able to provide a loving and supportive home for one or two children who are in real need of it. I do however, still struggle every day with the unfairness of not being able to have a child the same way as most people, for me this hasn’t gotten any easier, although I may pretend to others and sometimes even myself that it has.
I am currently on a flight to Boston for work, which means being away from Heidi for a whole week, this is not something I like to do. The picture above says everything. We both had these words tattooed on our bodies following our wedding, they are the words to a song we had played when we signed the wedding register. For me they opitimise the impact this woman has had on my life. I was in a shocking place and I knew the day I met her this was someone who was going to change my life, more importantly, change me.
Yes, we thought our life would be different, we both thought we would get married, get pregnant, have kids (just the two, we are not greedy) and live happily ever after… after all, that’s what happens to everyone else isn’t it.
So that didn’t happen for us, and on days like today, it hurts more than ever. I was at the airport when Heidi posted on instagram a lovely picture of me with my godson and his sister having a cuddle on our hammock yesterday, with the comment ‘this man was born to be a father and hopefully someday soon he will be’. Even though I was in an airport I am not afraid to admit this made my cry. I think this was for a number of reasons, but most notably, and I don’t know why, it’s actually reminded me that I feel I have let my wife down.
It will never matter how many times I am told, it’s not my fault, it’s just biology etc etc, I’ve always felt it’s been my job to provide, be it financially, emotionally or in this case, the baby. Yes it’s stupid, yes I know I need to get over myself, but some days are just harder than others.
So, not an easy post to write. But as always I feel better for just getting it out there.
Miss you so much already baby x