The next step is getting closer


After a lovely weekend in London with this one and some of our best friends, it’s now only a few days till we start our adoption training.

I have to say I am feeling both nervous and excited about this next step in our journey. 

We’ve both written about the tough times, and I do not believe for one minute that the next 6-12 months will be easy, but I do believe, the moment we get our own family, every painful day for the last 4 years and every day from now until then will have been worth it.

I remind myself every day when I wake up next to Heidi how lucky I am. I am usually the first one up, and Heidi is still in bed when I leave. I look at her sleeping and think, how the hell did you land yourself a person as amazing her and more importantly, what do I need to do to make sure I continue to derserve her.

I am not always the best husband, I don’t do anywhere enough around the house, and I don’t think I’ve cooked a meal in 6 months! So I know I need to do more…

So that’s my challenge I guess, between now and when we get our family, to show Heidi that we will do it together, and to show her that I can and will be committed to supporting her and doing my bit, because let’s be honest, when it does happen, I will be moving down the pecking order.

And that’s what this post is about, a commitment to do better, to be better and to be a man worthy of the most amazing woman ❤️❤️❤️

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Looking forward 

So…

I think the blogging started as we had a story to tell, the original story was that of two people struggling to get pregnant and the pain and stresses this brought along with it.

Our intention wasn’t as much for people to read this, but for us both to have an outlet to share our feelings in a forum where we might feel freer than when talking to one another. At the same time, I know other people are having the same challenges, and if reading our posts helped, then great.

The first few posts were all pretty depressing, I think this is because myself and Heidi just had built up so much pain, that once we had an outlet, it was as though someone had pulled the plug out of a bathtub of dirty water and all of it flowed into our Blogs.

We are in a different place today, but I hope our blog will keep going as this is still a story of infertility.

We have just had an amazing week in Turkey (Oludinez). I don’t think I realised just how I tired I actually was until I got to Turkey and I have slept more in the last week that I probably have in the previous 3 weeks. This was proper ‘quality time’ with my best friend, we did lots, paragliding, boat trips, quadbikes etc, but also found time to talk about the next step in our journey… Adoption.

I am so excited about going through this process, that I know on occasions I am going to have to check myself, slow myself down and realise it won’t happen as quickly as I would like it too.

For me, being able to start a family with the woman I love is something I have dreamt of doing since the first week we met. I knew then, what I still know today, that she is the one for me. I am not always the perfect husband (sometimes far from it) and I will not always get everything right, but I think Heidi knows that everything I do is usually around trying to be the best version of myself, and therefore be worthy of someone like her.

Now Heidi is not perfect either, she can not take a compliment, hates it when I say ‘lovey dovey’ things like this, and is not always proactive in terms of displaying affection, but I know she loves me and I know she will always love me and this is all I need. 

So, back to Adoption….we have started reading a book this week, one chapter at a time, on how we should be raising children, and the impact our actions have on a childs developing brain. Whilst repetitious at points, it has really made me think about how I was raised, and how I need to ensure I learn from my own upbringing. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying my parents did a bad job, they did a great job, and brought me up based on the best information available at that time, but we know more now, and we should use this information shouldn’t we ?

Adoption training starts in 3 weeks, I have no idea what to expect, but again, I am looking forward to it, and looking forward to meeting other couples who will be going through the same process, and likely having similar thoughts, fears and concerns etc that we are having. Hopefully this will also lead to a new network of friends once we all have our lovely new families.

While I will not be allowed to post pictures etc when we do get a placement, at least for the first 6 months, I will keep writing in here about the training and my thoughts around this.

Ok, this has been a long post, the joys of a 4 hour plane journey… but the real journey starts officially in 3 weeks, it will be long, it will be hard, but it will be worth it.

Andy

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Drawing a line


I took a pregnancy test this morning. Not because I thought that I am pregnant. But to prove I am not! It’s been about 10 weeks since my last period. But we’ve been here before so it’s nothing new.

Tomorrow I am going back on the contraceptive pill and I have to say I am relieved. No more, am I? aren’t I? Hopefully a regular cycle, maybe clearer skin and less mood swings. Fingers crossed anyway, for Andy as much as me. 

I’m also looking forward to cutting off those people who imply (or just say it straight out) that maybe now we have started the adoption process, I might magically fall pregnant naturally. It ain’t gonna happen.

We’re so excited about our plans to adopt, it feels good, and right, like this was meant for us all along. Going back on the pill just confirms our commitment to the cause, and draws a line under the uncertainty and heartbreak of the last 4 years.

H

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Lucky


Last weekend we had an amazing time with some friends who came over and we reminisced about being kids again by having our own little sports day (with shots for the losers… so a bit different to primary school).

For all the challenges myself and Heidi have faced, and will face in the future, we are so lucky to have an amazing group of people around us to make us smile and bring us joy.

I am ever so excited about the next 4-6 months, while it will have its challenges, the opportunity to get our family is getting closer and closer and I know our friends will play a massive part in supporting both us and any children we are lucky enough to become parents for.

👍😁😁😁😁

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The End of a Busy, Important Week


It’s Sunday afternoon and we are in the car on the way home from London. Back to work tomorrow.

This has been one crazy busy, fun-filled and pivotal week for us. We’ve been pretty much non-stop all week, either organising and planning for the coming weeks, catching up with family and friends or furthering our experience with children. Plus we have had this weekend in London – we had tickets to the World Athletics Championships as well as to see The Book of Mormon and to have lunch at one of Gordon Ramsey’s restaurants. 

But the most important thing about this week is also both the most exciting and terrifying! We have finally sent off our ‘register of interest’ forms to adopt! In the next 5 days we should get a phone call from our local county councils children’s services to get the ball rolling. I really can’t wait to get started with the whole process.

We met a couple this week who have recently adopted a beautiful 18 month old girl. Speaking to them really encouraged me that we are doing the right thing. They told us about the process, how it was for them and that yes it was intrusive and frustrating at times but it has been totally worth it. It’s clear how much their little girl means to them already. 

I am really excited for Andy and I to get going and take those next steps to meeting our children, bring them home and build our family together.

H

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This is an important week for us 

This was a very relaxed us at the beginning of a weeks holiday on Saturday. However, we may not going anywhere, but it’s a really important week.

This is the week we will send of the paperwork to start the adoption process. I am as excited about this as I have ever been. 

I am an incredibly lucky man who has a wife is far too good for him. So to not be able to provide this amazing person with the one thing she wants more than anything in the world is something that haunts me every day. It’s had a profound impact on every part of my life, how I feel, how I act.. everything.

I don’t think I always recognise how it has changed me, until I reflect and realise I am not the person I was when we started out infertility journey.

But, while I am sure that feeling will always be there in some form, having a family is now as close as it has ever been, and the next 12 months or so, while I am sure will be gruelling and stressful will be the most rewarding of our lives.

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Glad to be home

So this was me a few hours ago driving home from Blackburn. I’m not smiling because of the traffic jam I’m stuck in, or from the company of my friend and colleague Peter…. nope, I’m smiling because I am heading home to see my amazing wife.

Ok, so yes, I’ve been away for longer than one night, but on this occasion I missed Heidi more than normal. She means everything to me. I’m not always (usually) a particularly good husband. I work long hours, spend time in the gym when I could be with her, and then eat and drink rubbish while she is healthy and focussed …. and looks amazing as a result of her hard work.

Despite that, she puts up with me, and together we have got through some pretty tough times. It doesn’t really matter what the world throws at us next, as I am certain with this woman by my side we can handle anything 

A

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Crazy Week


I’ve had something of a busy week this week. 

On Tuesday I flew out to Majorca with my sister-in-law to surprise my sister on her hen do. Originally I wasn’t going to go. It was all booked at the end of last year and at the time I knew we were going to be doing a second round of IVF at the start of the year and so I hoped I would be pregnant come July. Magaluf is not a place for pregnant people! 

But really that was just a good excuse for me as that kind of place, and event, really isn’t my cup of tea! Don’t get me wrong….I love a holiday and I love a couple of drinks but going out with the intention of getting absolutely bladdered surrounded by other even more intoxicated individuals in a dirty bar with a sticky floor, having to dodge the puddles of vomit on the way home doesn’t sound like much fun to me! Plus, 10pm is my bedtime. Ok ok, actually it’s 9.30.

But my sister-in-law convinced me and I’m so glad we went. Not only was my sister so surprised and totally chuffed that we had made all that effort for her but actually, I had a damn good time!

We chilled by the pool in the day and come the evening had dinner and drinks before all heading out for even more drinks. I literally danced like no one was watching and for once actually didn’t care if they were. Dancing has always been a bit of a sensitive thing for me – especially in the bar/club kind of environment and it has been known to set off a mild panic attack type reaction. But this time I was fine. I relaxed and let go and it felt great! 

I really think the whole experience helped to remind me that I can be fun. I am allowed to have fun. And I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks of me. No one’s watching, no one cares and if they do then they need to mind their own business and get a life. So there!

We came back Thursday evening and I keep getting flashbacks to funny moments that make me smile.

On top of that I’ve been on a course this weekend – two days of medical acupuncture which has been great. I’ve loved learning, experiencing and trialling the techniques. Courses always make me excited to get back to work and use what I’ve learned to help my clients. It reminds me also how much I have learned up to this point and how far I have come in my career since I started out, fresh from uni 12 years ago.

I have a couple of bits of admin to do before I can start needling in my clinic but hopefully in about 10 days I can get started!

So overall at the moment I’m feeling good. I feel confident in my abilities work wise and I feel strong and happy personally. The only downside of this week has been how little I’ve seen Andy! But I’ll be home in about an hour and a half and can’t wait for a cuddle and a bit of downtime to end the weekend.

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Night out


So these days I don’t go out as much as I used to. Not because my wife doesn’t want me to, not because she puts pressure on me to stay at home, it’s just not something I enjoy.

When I was younger I used to love going ‘out out’, and I was good at it… I would go out with the boys with the aim to hook up with random women, and generally I was successful.

It wasn’t until I met Heidi that I realised what I thought I wanted and what I needed were a million miles apart.

Don’t get me wrong, had a great night with the boys, but at no point did I think.. wow, I miss this… and why, because my heart and soul is all about starting a family with my beautiful wife and starting a new chapter in our lives.

So today I am just thankful, not just for friends that I can enjoy a night out with, but for knowing I already have everything I need

A

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Odd weekend 

So, this was an interesting weekend…

Yesterday we spent the day with my godson and his sister at High Lodge. We had a picnic and walked the Gruffalo trail.. the sun was shining, the kids were well behaved and all in all it was a lovely day.

Today however was slightly different. Today we spent 5 hours babysitting my friends twins. I have to say I found this incredibly tough for a number of reasons.

1) As much as I want a family, I have to say I am terrible with babies.. it’s not that I don’t like them, but it’s fair to say we just don’t understand each other! They don’t seem to get me and I can never understand what they want.. food, bum clean, attention…. and then I hear ‘they’re just tired’.. so sleep lol !!

2) Babies don’t seem to understand the importance of timing, and being quiet when the GP is both starting and finishing !

3) And now the more serious point. The twins were actually born about a month after ours would have been. I remember my friend coming round about 2 weeks after the worst day in our lives, when we were told Heidi had miscarried and he had to tell me his wife was pregnant with twins!! 

This was just so hard to hear. Of course I was pleased for him, for a long time his wife had said she didn’t want kids.. so this was huge for him.. but I do remember it feeling like a knife in the heart, back, neck and eye all together. So today was tough on so many fronts. Twins are tough, they really keep you on your toes, but more than anything it was just a reminder of what we lost !

A

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