Up until today I genuinely thought that I was ‘breezing through’ this whole adoption approval process. When anyone asked how it was going I whole-heartedly answered “It’s fine thanks, almost enjoying it – it’s kind of like therapy”.
I don’t know why but today it got to me a little more. We had our 4th home visit from our social worker, which on the whole, was fine. She basically comes over and we sit and chat about every aspect of our lives from childhood to now and everything in-between. And I mean everything. All the historical stuff I find almost therapeutic to talk through – what happened and how that’s shaped who we are now. Even talking about the difficult stuff, the relationship breakdowns, the deaths and the infertility and miscarriage – whilst emotional, it felt like a good process to talk it all through.
We’ve now moved on to discussing children. I was quite excited initially to start talking about our future children – what we would like, what we think we could cope with, what would be too much for us. But actually, it didn’t feel particularly good. I felt very judgmental and very selfish specifying exactly what kind of child we would like and what we wouldn’t. I feel like a horrible, shallow person for admitting that I don’t know how much I can cope with when it comes to learning difficulties and that more or less any physical disability is a no for me, because I like to be active and outside and that wouldn’t fit in with me. It feels pretty selfish.
I understand why we have to go through this and at the end of the day the agency don’t want us taking on a child or children that we are not able to give our all to and the placement subsequently falls apart. But it still doesn’t make me feel good disregarding some of the children that most need a home.
We now have another three sessions booked in over the next 10 days and that should be it for the home study. Our social worker will then write-up our Prospective Adopters Report (PAR) and submit it to the panel ahead of our approval date on February 14th. Then begins the long (or hopefully short) wait for a suitable match. Which I am sure will be excruciating and probably the hardest bit so far. As in the title to our blog, we are not patient people and this will probably be the biggest test to our patience so far! Having jumped through all the hoops put in front of us, to then still have to wait will no doubt feel like torture!