The End of a Busy, Important Week


It’s Sunday afternoon and we are in the car on the way home from London. Back to work tomorrow.

This has been one crazy busy, fun-filled and pivotal week for us. We’ve been pretty much non-stop all week, either organising and planning for the coming weeks, catching up with family and friends or furthering our experience with children. Plus we have had this weekend in London – we had tickets to the World Athletics Championships as well as to see The Book of Mormon and to have lunch at one of Gordon Ramsey’s restaurants. 

But the most important thing about this week is also both the most exciting and terrifying! We have finally sent off our ‘register of interest’ forms to adopt! In the next 5 days we should get a phone call from our local county councils children’s services to get the ball rolling. I really can’t wait to get started with the whole process.

We met a couple this week who have recently adopted a beautiful 18 month old girl. Speaking to them really encouraged me that we are doing the right thing. They told us about the process, how it was for them and that yes it was intrusive and frustrating at times but it has been totally worth it. It’s clear how much their little girl means to them already. 

I am really excited for Andy and I to get going and take those next steps to meeting our children, bring them home and build our family together.

H

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This is an important week for usΒ 

This was a very relaxed us at the beginning of a weeks holiday on Saturday. However, we may not going anywhere, but it’s a really important week.

This is the week we will send of the paperwork to start the adoption process. I am as excited about this as I have ever been. 

I am an incredibly lucky man who has a wife is far too good for him. So to not be able to provide this amazing person with the one thing she wants more than anything in the world is something that haunts me every day. It’s had a profound impact on every part of my life, how I feel, how I act.. everything.

I don’t think I always recognise how it has changed me, until I reflect and realise I am not the person I was when we started out infertility journey.

But, while I am sure that feeling will always be there in some form, having a family is now as close as it has ever been, and the next 12 months or so, while I am sure will be gruelling and stressful will be the most rewarding of our lives.

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Glad to be home

So this was me a few hours ago driving home from Blackburn. I’m not smiling because of the traffic jam I’m stuck in, or from the company of my friend and colleague Peter…. nope, I’m smiling because I am heading home to see my amazing wife.

Ok, so yes, I’ve been away for longer than one night, but on this occasion I missed Heidi more than normal. She means everything to me. I’m not always (usually) a particularly good husband. I work long hours, spend time in the gym when I could be with her, and then eat and drink rubbish while she is healthy and focussed …. and looks amazing as a result of her hard work.

Despite that, she puts up with me, and together we have got through some pretty tough times. It doesn’t really matter what the world throws at us next, as I am certain with this woman by my side we can handle anything 

A

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Crazy Week


I’ve had something of a busy week this week. 

On Tuesday I flew out to Majorca with my sister-in-law to surprise my sister on her hen do. Originally I wasn’t going to go. It was all booked at the end of last year and at the time I knew we were going to be doing a second round of IVF at the start of the year and so I hoped I would be pregnant come July. Magaluf is not a place for pregnant people! 

But really that was just a good excuse for me as that kind of place, and event, really isn’t my cup of tea! Don’t get me wrong….I love a holiday and I love a couple of drinks but going out with the intention of getting absolutely bladdered surrounded by other even more intoxicated individuals in a dirty bar with a sticky floor, having to dodge the puddles of vomit on the way home doesn’t sound like much fun to me! Plus, 10pm is my bedtime. Ok ok, actually it’s 9.30.

But my sister-in-law convinced me and I’m so glad we went. Not only was my sister so surprised and totally chuffed that we had made all that effort for her but actually, I had a damn good time!

We chilled by the pool in the day and come the evening had dinner and drinks before all heading out for even more drinks. I literally danced like no one was watching and for once actually didn’t care if they were. Dancing has always been a bit of a sensitive thing for me – especially in the bar/club kind of environment and it has been known to set off a mild panic attack type reaction. But this time I was fine. I relaxed and let go and it felt great! 

I really think the whole experience helped to remind me that I can be fun. I am allowed to have fun. And I don’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks of me. No one’s watching, no one cares and if they do then they need to mind their own business and get a life. So there!

We came back Thursday evening and I keep getting flashbacks to funny moments that make me smile.

On top of that I’ve been on a course this weekend – two days of medical acupuncture which has been great. I’ve loved learning, experiencing and trialling the techniques. Courses always make me excited to get back to work and use what I’ve learned to help my clients. It reminds me also how much I have learned up to this point and how far I have come in my career since I started out, fresh from uni 12 years ago.

I have a couple of bits of admin to do before I can start needling in my clinic but hopefully in about 10 days I can get started!

So overall at the moment I’m feeling good. I feel confident in my abilities work wise and I feel strong and happy personally. The only downside of this week has been how little I’ve seen Andy! But I’ll be home in about an hour and a half and can’t wait for a cuddle and a bit of downtime to end the weekend.

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Night out


So these days I don’t go out as much as I used to. Not because my wife doesn’t want me to, not because she puts pressure on me to stay at home, it’s just not something I enjoy.

When I was younger I used to love going ‘out out’, and I was good at it… I would go out with the boys with the aim to hook up with random women, and generally I was successful.

It wasn’t until I met Heidi that I realised what I thought I wanted and what I needed were a million miles apart.

Don’t get me wrong, had a great night with the boys, but at no point did I think.. wow, I miss this… and why, because my heart and soul is all about starting a family with my beautiful wife and starting a new chapter in our lives.

So today I am just thankful, not just for friends that I can enjoy a night out with, but for knowing I already have everything I need

A

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Odd weekendΒ 

So, this was an interesting weekend…

Yesterday we spent the day with my godson and his sister at High Lodge. We had a picnic and walked the Gruffalo trail.. the sun was shining, the kids were well behaved and all in all it was a lovely day.

Today however was slightly different. Today we spent 5 hours babysitting my friends twins. I have to say I found this incredibly tough for a number of reasons.

1) As much as I want a family, I have to say I am terrible with babies.. it’s not that I don’t like them, but it’s fair to say we just don’t understand each other! They don’t seem to get me and I can never understand what they want.. food, bum clean, attention…. and then I hear ‘they’re just tired’.. so sleep lol !!

2) Babies don’t seem to understand the importance of timing, and being quiet when the GP is both starting and finishing !

3) And now the more serious point. The twins were actually born about a month after ours would have been. I remember my friend coming round about 2 weeks after the worst day in our lives, when we were told Heidi had miscarried and he had to tell me his wife was pregnant with twins!! 

This was just so hard to hear. Of course I was pleased for him, for a long time his wife had said she didn’t want kids.. so this was huge for him.. but I do remember it feeling like a knife in the heart, back, neck and eye all together. So today was tough on so many fronts. Twins are tough, they really keep you on your toes, but more than anything it was just a reminder of what we lost !

A

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Sometimes you realise it could be worse


So, I’m back in the UK and I have had a strange week. 

Let’s start with the positives… my wife, how amazing is she… despite things not always going our way, she still manages to look this amazing (and no, she doesn’t always dress like this…three words…80’s rock festival).

Then yesterday I met up with a good friend of mine. Thus guy has always been there for me, he let me live with him when I had no where else to go, and I know if I ever needed him he would be there. He’s been going through a really tough patch with his girlfriend of late and this week he told me they have decided to call it a day on their 7 year relationship, and that he has discovered she has been less than honest with him. 

They have one daughter together and she had a daughter from a previous relationship that he has looked after, loved and sees as his own. 

I’ve know people go through break ups before, sometimes with kids, sometimes without…but on this occasion it has really got to me. How hard must this be, not just on my friend but on both of them. There are no words that can accurately articulate the pain in their hearts as they fight with the enormity of the decision they have made and the impact this will have on both of their lives and the lives of their children.

While as anyone who reads our blog posts knows we don’t have children and therefore of course I can not know the thoughts going through my friends head over the expected reduced time he will see his children, I can only presume it to be the most heart aching pain!

So why am I writing about this? Not to take sympathy on his behalf, but because it puts my pains in perspective. I know I will have a family with my amazing wife and I know that I will fight every day to put them and her first in everything that I do, but I accept there will be bumps in the road…

I will take the strength from my friends and family and I promise to work through the bumps in the road because at the end of the day, I already owe that to my wife for being the most amazing person, and I owe it to myself to be the best I can be.

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Adoption… the process begins

Both myself and Heidi have posted how we have made this really big, but at the same time incredibly exciting decision to adopt, however now the reality of the process has kicked in.

We had done a fair amount of research in advance of making the decision, but as always its not until you start something that you realise the enormity of the task.

So, step 1, detailed chronology of my life…. since birth. This included all key major events, moving home, schools, jobs, relationships etc etc. I have to say I found this both eye opening (regarding what I could and could not remember), but also quite upsetting as it reminded me of some of the mistakes I have made, but also that I am not where I want to be in my life in terms of having a family.

But, the upside, its coming… The adoption process will be long, rigorous and stressfull, and rightly so. The adoption agency is looking to find homes for children, they are not looking to find children for parents. I choose to believe that even if a parent is not or does not feel capable of raising a child, that they would still want to be assured that the adoption agency will do the absolute best for their child / children.

So yes, a long process, I am sure I will write blogs throughout it, but I am still really excited about where this path will lead.

A

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Home Alone

My furrballs keeping me company


Andy’s been in Boston (Massachusetts, not Lincolnshire, as one friend asked!) for the last 6 days. He’ll be home later today. 

This is the longest time we’ve been apart since quite early in our relationship. I’ve been dreading it ever since I knew it was on the cards about 3 months ago. Initially it was supposed to be 2 weeks away but thankfully, for me at least, it got reduced to one.

I know many many people have to put up with weeks on end of their spouse working away on a regular basis so I really shouldn’t moan about or feel particularly accomplished that I’ve managed a whole 6 nights home alone. But I am secretly quite proud of myself.

There are many reasons I don’t like being home alone. The biggest being strange noises outside (or even inside) once it gets dark which freak me out. Secondly, because I also work from home I often get a sense of cabin fever and when there isn’t even anyone coming home in the evening to relieve you of the slight sense of loneliness it makes it even more apparent. I’m also scared of things going wrong and having to ‘man up’ and deal with them without the actual man of the house stepping in. Thankfully the biggest issue I’ve had this week is an influx of eight legged monsters. I’ve barely seen a big spider since we moved in but this week, with no husband to rescue me, I’ve seen two (hardly an infestation I know). One got dealt with in the form of a perfectly executed flip flop toss. The other one evaded my summer footwear arsenal and ran under the door of the cupboard under the stairs. And forever more I will refuse to open that door!

Anyway, I didn’t mean to waffle on quite this much. My point was, I survived. I put on my big girl pants and got on with it. I kept myself busy with work, in the gym and catching up with some friends and almost even enjoyed a few days completely to myself. And I could have fish for dinner without anyone turning their nose up in disgust. Even so, I’m looking forward to getting my hubby back later.

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Fathers Day

This is probably one of the harder posts for me to write. Recently Heidi wrote about being content, finding a level of acceptance over where we are in the journey for family and being excited about the next step for us, that of adoption.

While I do agree I am excited about adoption, not the process which I am sure will be incredibly stressful, tiring and at times painful, but that it will mean we will be able to provide a loving and supportive home for one or two children who are in real need of it. I do however, still struggle every day with the unfairness of not being able to have a child the same way as most people, for me this hasn’t gotten any easier, although I may pretend to others and sometimes even myself that it has.

I am currently on a flight to Boston for work, which means being away from Heidi for a whole week, this is not something I like to do. The picture above says everything. We both had these words tattooed on our bodies following our wedding, they are the words to a song we had played when we signed the wedding register. For me they opitimise the impact this woman has had on my life. I was in a shocking place and I knew the day I met her this was someone who was going to change my life, more importantly, change me.

Yes, we thought our life would be different, we both thought we would get married, get pregnant, have kids (just the two, we are not greedy)  and live happily ever after… after all, that’s what happens to everyone else isn’t it.

So that didn’t happen for us, and on days like today, it hurts more than ever. I was at the airport when Heidi posted on instagram a lovely picture of me with my godson and his sister having a cuddle on our hammock yesterday, with the comment ‘this man was born to be a father and hopefully someday soon he will be’. Even though I was in an airport I am not afraid to admit this made my cry. I think this was for a number of reasons, but most notably, and I don’t know why, it’s actually reminded me that I feel I have let my wife down.

It will never matter how many times I am told, it’s not my fault, it’s just biology etc etc, I’ve always felt it’s been my job to provide, be it financially, emotionally or in this case, the baby. Yes it’s stupid, yes I know I need to get over myself, but some days are just harder than others.

So, not an easy post to write. But as always I feel better for just getting it out there.

Miss you so much already baby x 

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